Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he laminated a picture of his dick.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
