this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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