He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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