My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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