A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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