She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
