Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
