The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
