I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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