the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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