dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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