i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
