I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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