I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
