Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
