my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
