when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
