i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize