Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
