I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
