I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize