Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
