My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
