I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
