I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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