The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
