Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
