I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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