Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
