How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You ruined the universe
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
