true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize