I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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