My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
