apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize