I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
