I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
