I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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