this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
