I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
