So drunk its hurt
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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