Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
