I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
