I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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