I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
