I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
