Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He shit in the fireplace
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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