I was born with a shot glass in my hand
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
