On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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