Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
