Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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