Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
