my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
