worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
