The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
