well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
