I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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