I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Those nachos came to me in a dream
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
