i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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